Flirting Starts When the Sex Ends

I think one of the biggest mistakes long-term couples make is assuming flirting is something you do before sex.

I think it should start the moment the last sexual encounter ends.

The kiss afterwards. The look across the room the next morning. The hand lingering just a little longer than necessary as you walk past each other.

For me, seduction isn't an event. It's an atmosphere.

From the moment I wake up, somewhere in the back of my mind is a delicious little question:

What am I going to wear today that will make my lover want me?

Of course, I dress for where I'm going. I'm not suggesting stilettos and a boobs out for a morning at Bunnings...although I'm certainly not ruling it out.

But within whatever the day requires, there are choices.

The day dress that hugs rather than hangs.

The top that reveals just enough, or plenty.

The cute bra that creates exactly the right silhouette or shows the world just how cute it is...or the decision that perhaps today doesn't require one at all.

The outfit that makes it perfectly obvious panties were never going to be an option.

Perfume. Hair. Heels. Jewellery. Always a tease of cleavage. The curve of a hip. The hamstrings or quads that you have been working hard on.

They're tiny decisions, but collectively they say something:

I'm still trying to attract you.

And after years together, I think that's incredibly important.

I Still Want His Attention

There is a strange idea that once you've secured a relationship, you can stop doing the things that helped create the attraction in the first place.

Why?

I don't want my lover merely to love me.

I want him to notice me.

I want to catch him looking when I walk past.

I want that loving little tap on the arse as he passes me in the kitchen. Not because it's some grand romantic gesture, but because of what it says without saying anything at all:

I'm thinking about you. I still want you. And if we weren't in public right now, I'd have very different plans for you.

That's flirting.

So is the tiny change in his expression when I bend over to pick something up.

So is the message at lunchtime.

The hand on his thigh in the car.

The kiss that lasts three seconds longer than a practical married-couple kiss needs to.

Walking past him and deliberately brushing against him.

Catching his eye across a restaurant and holding it.

None of these things necessarily leads immediately to sex.

That's precisely the point.

We're laying kindling.

Yes, Other People Notice

Does dressing provocatively sometimes attract attention from other men?

Of course.

I'm a sexually confident, mature woman. I'm not going to pretend I don't notice when someone notices me, and I'm most certainly not going to be offended when they do. Their gaze just reaffirms that I am doing it right.

Does that mean I'm dressing for them?

No.

There's an enormous difference between enjoying being desirable and being available.

My sexuality doesn't disappear simply because I'm monogamous. If anything, feeling sexy out in the world gives me an energy that I bring home to the person I've actually chosen to share it with.

And yes, occasionally another woman will look at me with what appears to be disapproval.

Perhaps the skirt is too short.

Perhaps there's too much cleavage.

Perhaps women "my age" supposedly shouldn't dress that way.

I've reached a wonderful stage of life where those opinions carry no weight.

In fact, if you're looking at me thinking a woman my age shouldn't dress like this, here's a little secret:

I guarantee I'm having more sex than three 23-year-olds, and those 23-year-olds would weep if they knew how much pleasure I am getting from it.

So I'm probably not going to take sexual-liberation advice from someone offended by my sexy dress style. Dressing to be desired is in my DNA. I cant help in anymore than a moth to a flame.

If I look in the mirror and feel sexy, and then look across the room and see that look on my lover's face, I probably made exactly the right choice.

Seduction Is an All-Day Game

The wonderful thing about flirting throughout the day is that sexual anticipation compounds.

One glance becomes a touch.

The touch becomes a message.

The message becomes a thought.

The thought becomes anticipation.

By dinner, there's an undercurrent between you that nobody else at the table necessarily knows exists.

By the time you're alone, you haven't suddenly decided to become lovers again.

You've been lovers all day.

That's the difference.

Never Stop Trying to Seduce Each Other

There is something deeply erotic about knowing your partner is still making an effort specifically for you.

After years together, I don't want complacency masquerading as intimacy.

I want flirting.

I want teasing.

I want inappropriate messages in the middle of perfectly appropriate days.

I want the affectionate smack on the arse as we pass each other.

I want to dress occasionally with the deliberate intention of making it difficult for him to concentrate.

I want him to flirt back.

Because desire deserves attention.

You feed it. You play with it. You deliberately provoke it.

And when tonight's crescendo has finally subsided and you're lying together exhausted, sweaty, depleted.

Enjoy it.

Then start flirting again.

Because tomorrow night's foreplay has already begun.

Shelby Silk